A Tale of Three Turds

My mother is always telling me to write down those funny comments and hilarious stories about my kids because one day, as hard as it is to imagine, I will forget them. So, without further ado, I give you A Tale of Three Turds:

It was a regular laundry day. Nothing exciting. I had a load of clothes to wash that was mainly the kids' with some of my husband's shirts mixed in along with a few of my things. As I was loading them into the washer, I couldn't help but notice how utterly awful they smelled. I mean, really awful. More so than usual. Shrugging it off to the fact that I have two kids and, really, what kid doesn't stink every now and then, I assumed a good washing would fix everything.

However, when the clothes were done and I began putting them into the dryer I still was getting a whiff of something nasty. I thought to myself, "Surely it is just my oversensitive nose. There is no way that they can still stink that bad. It must be the other pile of dirty clothes I am smelling." After the clothes were done in the dryer, I began taking them out and putting them into the laundry basket and I still smelled it! Okay, this is getting ridiculous. What in the world is that wretched stench?? My question was answered all too quickly when, after removing all the clothes from the dryer, I was greeted by a small brown extremely hard object. Without even thinking first, I picked up the object only to realize that it was poop! The rest of my family was upstairs and I'm sure they were wondering if I had finally lost it as all they heard was, "Are you kidding me??? How did this happen?? I don't understand! Why is this here????" I promptly wrapped the turd in some toilet paper and brought it upstairs. I showed it to my husband and children and begged for an explanation. No one knew where the mysterious turd had come from. I reminded everyone that from on, not only did they need to check their pockets for loose change and candy wrappers, but also for any stray turds that may be hanging out there.

After flushing the turd, I came back downstairs to throw all the clothes back in the washer for round two. Surely this is the end of the story, right? Ah, but no. You see after washing the clothes a second time, the smell was, you guessed it, still there!! At this point, I realized the dreaded truth--there was more poop somewhere and it was up to me to find it. So, one by one, I began taking clothes out of the washer and examining them for lose turds. It didn't take long before I found the culprit. Addie's sleeper had a suspicious hard lump in the foot of it. Not a small lump, but a golf ball sized turd. And not just that. I discovered that the other foot was also housing a smaller, yet equally disgusting, ball of poop. I couldn't resist. I brought the offending jammies upstairs and told Jonathan to feel the footie. Without even hesitating, he grabbed the footie with the golf ball sized turd, only to yank his arm back, crying, "Is that poop?!?!" Yes, my dear husband, yes it is. I have now washed twice and dried once three turds. They were the hardest, yet probably cleanest turds I'd ever seen.

I still cannot fathom for the life of me how this happened. I have no explanation for it, other than somehow Addie pooped in her jammies and without us knowing, stripped them off, causing the poop to fall into the footies of her pj's. It doesn't even make sense, I know! But let that be a lesson to all of you. If you ever think your laundry smells extra rank, save yourself some time and make sure there aren't any turds lurking around in there.