Reflections on My Birthday

So my birthday this year was supposed to be a milestone.  A great day not to just celebrate my birthday and enjoy well wishes from so many friends and family, but also a day that would mark the half way point in my pregnancy.  20 weeks.  I remember when I first got pregnant thinking how looooong 40 weeks can feel and telling myself that if I could just make it to my birthday then I would be halfway there and I would be feeling the baby kick by then.  What better present could I ask for??  We would be having an ultrasound around this time and, if we wanted to, could probably find out the sex of our baby.  So many exciting things to celebrate for my birthday.

Except that I'm not celebrating those things.  Instead I am watering flowers at a cemetery.  Looking longingly at pictures.  Cuddling with a tiny stuffed animal.  Hearing about how my other friends who are pregnant are finding out the sexes of their babies and feeling their babies move and kick.  And it sucks if I'm being quite honest.

I don't want this post to sound like a pity party (though, I'll admit, it is easy to remind myself how unfair this all seems to me).  I just want to make sure I capture all of the range of emotions I am feeling during this--my grieving the loss of our son.  My dad keeps telling me I need to write a book.  Um, yeah, we'll see about that.  I never pictured myself an author.  But whether that ever happens down the line or not, I just don't want to forget anything.  Someone told me to cherish these hard times and these feelings of sadness because then I will appreciate the good times that much more.  And it's true.  I find that the times when I am having a good day and laughing and feeling "normal" again are wonderful.  When I can smile at something my kids say or share an inside joke with my husband.  Those times are even sweeter now.  Because in those times I am not consumed with sorrow.  In those times I am not feeling like I have been punched in the gut.  I don't feel my heart literally breaking.  And I need to enjoy those moments because the tears do not come on a set schedule.  They tend to appear out of nowhere when I least expect it.  One minute I am fine and then out of nowhere I am suddenly reminded of all I have lost and I cannot stop the tears from flowing.  It's those moments that catch me by surprise.  It's when I see Luke interacting with a baby and am reminded again how great he would have been with his baby brother.  It's when I am shopping for new clothes and am suddenly hit with the realization that I should not be shopping in the misses section.  I shouldn't even fit into these clothes I am trying on.  It's when the new mom sits in front of me at church with her baby.  Surprisingly, it wasn't even the baby that set me off so much as the simple spit rag draped across her shoulder.

God is teaching me so much through this, though.  We were able to take a little getaway up to northern Michigan for the fourth of July and we spent one day swimming in big, beautiful Burt Lake.  When it was time to head back to the house, Addison was adamant that she did not want grandpa to make the boat go fast.  She did not want to endure the bumpy, sometimes rough, ride across the lake to get back to the calm, quiet river.  But if we wanted to get home at a decent time and in the safest way, we needed to go fast.  Going slow across a busy, huge lake would not be in our best interest.  So when we took off, I held her close to me.  Held her so that anytime we went across a rough patch of waves, I absorbed most of the impact.  Held her so that by about five minutes into our trip, she was sound asleep in my arms, oblivious to the things around her--the very things she had feared moments before.  And in that ride, with my daughter in my arms, it dawned on me that God is doing the exact same thing for me.  All I see ahead of me are rough waters.  Waves, bumps, and hardships I do not want to face.  But in order for me to get to the peace and the healing, I have no choice but to sit in the boat and go.  Thankfully, I don't have to ride alone any more than Addie did.  Through this whole thing, I know God has had His loving arms around me--helping to absorb the blows and the pain so that I can rest easy.  And before I know it, I wake up, look behind me at all I have come through and wonder, "How did I do that?  How did I get through that storm?"  It wasn't by my own strength, that's for sure.


So maybe I haven't been spending my 31st birthday how I had planned to a few months ago.  But I am still celebrating.  Celebrating my amazing family and wonderful friends.  Celebrating the person He is creating me to be.  Celebrating life.  And always always celebrating that one day I will see my sweet Matthew again.

Thank you, Stephen and Michelle, for this beautiful necklace.  It arrived in the mail yesterday, just in time for my birthday.  We are beyond blessed to have friends and family who shower us with so much love.