Random Thoughts Going Through My Head

So I gave the blog a little facelift.  Updated pictures and added a memorial tracker for Matthew.  I wanted to have his picture here, too.  I want people to know that he was a person.  A beautiful, perfect baby boy.  I chose the family picture at the top because one, we're all actually looking at the camera and two, because I was still pregnant when it was taken.  Family pictures are bittersweet to me now.  Because from now on, one of our kids will forever be missing from them.

July has been busy.  My sister came to stay with us for two weeks and we had the rest of my family up for a huge birthday party.  It's nice staying busy.  It keeps my mind off things.  Luke, Addison, and I all celebrated birthdays this month.  I can't believe my babies are five and three now!

I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Mathis a couple weeks ago.  Everything looks good and my iron is back up so I can stop taking the iron pills.  So now I just have to keep healing emotionally.  So many thoughts go through my head these days.  So many emotions that I struggle with.  Jealousy is a big one.  You never realize how many pregnant women there are everywhere you go until you are no longer one of them.  The beach, mall, grocery store, hair salon, you name it, I see them at every turn it seems.  I can't help but wonder why they get to keep their baby but I didn't get to keep mine.  Crazy and ridiculous thoughts, I know.  So many people I know are announcing pregnancies too.  Sometimes it feels like life has a sick sense of humor.

We finished one side of the duplex completely and our first renters moved in today.  Jonathan hopes to have the other side done in another week.  It will be nice to have my husband back to only working one job instead of two.  We have missed him a lot.

VBS was last week.  I taught Addie's class.  It was a really stressful week.  With Jonathan at the duplex every night after work, I was basically a single mom, trying to get dinner ready by 4:45 so we could be to church by 5:30.  Then by the time VBS got done and the kids got home and in bed, it was usually going on 10.  I'm glad that week is behind us.

The kids and I are heading to Indiana soon for a visit.  I am very much looking forward to it.

Sometimes I feel like people expect me to be "over" this loss by now.  Like life should be all roses and I should be back to "normal".  It's not and I'm not.

Bitterness threatens to overtake me some days.  But then I remember to count my blessings and to be thankful for all God has given me.

The kids had their annual check-ups today.  They are growing and healthy, which is great.  Although, Luke is in the 40th percentile for his age and Addie is in the 70th, which means there is only a 7 pound difference between them. :)

Keep praying for us.  Pray that our story can help others.  Pray that the Lord gives us strength to get through each day.  Pray that this makes us stronger and brings us closer.  Pray that God will be glorified even in the valley...