A Letter to My Son

My most precious Matthew,

Today is November 29.  A day that so quickly went from being one I was eagerly anticipating to one I was sorrowfully dreading.  Today is the day you were due to arrive in this world.  Today was supposed to be so very different from what it is.  I pictured myself either extremely pregnant, counting down the hours or days until your arrival or holding you already in case you decided to come early like your brother and sister.  I never ever pictured this day with nothing in my womb and no baby in my arms.  This is not how today was supposed to be.  And yet, it is.  Today's events (or lack there of) may be a surprise to me but they were never a surprise to God.  He knew your time with us would be short and He knew that you would be with Him on this day.  And I am trying so hard to accept that.  It's hard for me to let you go.  I want you here.  With me.  With us.  I want to hold you.  I want to know you.  I want to see you grow up.  I want to watch you play with your brother and sister.  I want all the hopes and dreams we had for you to come true.

Ever since we lost you, I told myself that if I could just be pregnant by your due date then I could have some sense about it all and some relief.  But I am not pregnant, Matthew.  I don't know what God's plan for our family is but I'm trying to be content.  It doesn't help when people tell us "Oh, you'll have more kids!" or "At least you already have two."  I even had one person tell me I had "better be" pregnant soon.  Don't they understand that even if we had ten more kids none of them would ever take your place?  And don't they understand that Luke and Addison cannot take your place either?  The longing in my heart is for you-the son I have lost.  I pray that God blesses us with more children but I am learning that I have to be content with where I am now.  And that is a mother of three beautiful, amazing kids.  Two that are with me here and one that is waiting for me in heaven.  That is my life.  That is my reality.  And I need to be content with it.

I don't know why this was God's plan for your life.  I don't know why He took you home so soon.  But I am going to spend the rest of my life searching for answers.  Searching for how He can use this to make me a better person.  To help others.  To further His kingdom.  I will not let your life be for nothing.  I will not be silent about who you were and what God has and is still doing in our lives because of you.

You have taught me much, Matthew.  God has already used you to stretch your mommy is ways she never thought she could handle.  He is teaching me and molding me daily.  I have learned the power of kindness and compassion.  So many people have showered us with love and prayed for us.  I want to show that same compassion to others who are hurting.  But I am also learning to forgive.  For all the people who remember you and talk about you there are those who never mention your name, never acknowledge your life, and that has at times made me a very bitter and angry person.  I think it's that mama bear coming out in me.  If someone does something to my babies I'm gonna get angry because no one messes with my kids!  In the same way, when people don't acknowledge that your life mattered or that we have even experienced a loss, it's hard for me not to get defensive.  I want to show them your picture and scream, "See how beautiful he is!!  He was alive.  He is our son!  And his life mattered just as much as anyone else's!!"  But most of the time I don't even think people know how much their words (or lack of) have hurt me.  How deep they cut.  And so I must forgive.  I must not give in to the bitterness and anger that at times threatens to consume me.

God is teaching me to rely on Him fully.  He is all I need.  And sometimes it feels like He is all I have.  I know that I have so many who love me and are praying for me but sometimes I feel so incredibly alone, like no one understands.  And it's in those moments when God whispers, "I am here.  I love you.  I know your pain.  I know what it is like to lose a son.  I see your tears.  I am all you need."  Losing you has made my faith real, Matthew.  I have been forced to decide what I want to do with this faith I have had since I was a child.  Am I going to run away and let it make me angry or am I going to cling to it and let it make me stronger?

I am reading "Jesus Calling" and today's devotional was so perfect.  It's what I want for my life.  "In this age of independence, people find it hard to acknowledge their neediness.  However, I have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for Me:  placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident.  Through the aridity of those desert marches, I have drawn you closer and closer to Myself.  You have discovered flowers of Peace blossoming in the most desolate places. You have learned to thank Me for hard times and difficult journeys, trusting that through them I accomplish My best work.  You have realized that needing Me is the key to knowing Me intimately, which is the gift above all gifts."  If that isn't a message just for me, I don't know what is.  I am so thankful that you already know Him, Matthew.  That He is all you've known.  Sometimes the only thing that gives me peace is knowing that you are with Jesus.  Knowing that I don't have to worry about you.  You have never known the pain and suffering of this world.  You have always only known Him.

I can't wait for our family to be reunited again.  I know you will love your brother and sister.  They love you so much, Matthew.  They love to go out to the cemetery and see your stone and talk to you and tell you how much they miss you.  Addie tells me that when she gets to heaven she is going to hold you and rock you and take you to Disneyworld!  And your big brother is so sweet.  He will just stop what he is doing and out of nowhere say, "Mom, I miss Matthew."  We all miss you, buddy.  I hope you know that.

Matthew, not a day goes by that I do not think of you.  I have a feeling that will never change.  Your daddy and I love you more than words could ever express.  You are always close to my heart, never far from my mind.  I love you my son, my Matthew James, my precious gift from God...

All my love and tears,
~Mommy