10 Months

I find it hard to believe that it has been 10 months.  Nearly a year.  How is that possible??  How could it have only been 10 months ago since our lives were forever changed and turned upside down?  It seems like it happened just yesterday.  It seems like it happened forever ago.

I've had a handful of people mention to me that it's been forever since I last wrote on here.  My last entry was, in fact, on Matthew's due date.  Things have gotten "back to normal" in a way.  Life goes on, as it must.  And I have to say that since his due date, I feel that I have finally started to come out of the valley.  Like I can see the light at the end of this long, dark, lonely tunnel of mourning.  Grief.  Sorrow.  I look at where I was emotionally that first week after Matthew died and I look at where I am today and I am amazed.  I remember thinking life would never go on.  That I had nothing to live for.  That I would never laugh again.  Experience joy again.  Really live again.  I remember thinking that I would never be....where I am now.  And yet, here I am.  Definitely not "over" the loss.  It will always be part my life story.  Matthew will forever hold a place in my heart.  I still think about him every single day.  I still miss him.  I wonder how big he would be, what milestones he would be reaching now, what his laugh would sound like, who he would be.  But the pain isn't so raw anymore.  I can talk about him without breaking down.  I can remember my pregnancy with him without it being clouded in darkness.

I have a whole new compassion for those experiencing grief now.  I know what the roller coaster of emotions feels like.  I pray for them in a different way.  That they would feel God walking before, beside, and behind them in the valley of sorrow.  That they would experience His supernatural, unexplainable peace as I have.  I honestly do not believe I would be where I am in my healing process today without Him.  He led me through the dark times; walked beside me and upheld me when I could not go any further on my own.  And He will do the same for anyone else who will let Him.

So here I am ten months after saying good-bye to my son and I am changed.  I have been stretched in ways I never thought I could handle.  It's been a long journey.  A journey that will continue.  Grief is not something that just goes away.  But it does get easier.  My faith has grown in ways it never would have had this not happened.  And I thank God every day that although the road can be hard, He never makes me walk it alone.  God has seen my hurt.  He has heard my cries.  He has wiped away my tears.  And He has brought me through the valley.

I have found life again.  I have found joy again.  I have found healing.