One Year

One year.  How has it been one year already?  One year since we held him in our arms.  One year since we saw his precious face.  One year since we laid eyes on our beautiful son.  One year.  And oh what a year it's been.  So full of heartache and disappointment.  But so full of learning and healing as well.  Realizing the love of people.  Learning what it means to have compassion.  Understanding the true meaning of grief and sorrow.  Growing and being stretched in my walk with God in ways I never thought possible.  Ways that, had you asked me before this all happened, I would have said I did not want to experience.  But I did experience them and I have come out, I hope, a better and stronger person.

I have to say this past week or so leading up to today has been the worst part.  The dreaded anticipation of "the day" was much harder than "the day" itself.  Remembering all the events that led up to Matthew's birth has been hard.  My mind tried to block it out and not dwell on those things but I found my body still recognizing it anyway.  I found myself wondering why I was so short with my family, why I was experiencing these feelings of sadness and hopelessness.  And realizing that even though my brain had blocked out what was approaching, my heart still remembered and was dealing with the grief.

Having a new baby on the way, I'll admit, has made this milestone easier to bear.  I can't imagine the emptiness I would be feeling without the promise of new life we have right now.  Not that this child will ever take Matthew's place--no one can ever do that.  But this baby helps ease the pain and heartache.  It helps fill my longing, empty arms.

It's hard mourning a loss on a day that's also a celebration.  A celebration of fathers.  I'm so thankful for my dad and for Jonathan's dad.  And oh how thankful I am for my kids' daddy.  He is so amazing and he loves his kids unconditionally.  Matthew, you are so blessed to have him for your daddy.  He wanted you so much.  I know he would have taught you so many things, just like he has with your big brother and sister.  What a reassurance to know that this is not the end, though.  As the Scripture says, we do not mourn like those who have no hope.  We rejoice and celebrate because we will see you again.  We will get to hear you laugh and see your smile and get to know the beautiful person God created you to be.  And we cannot wait.

After church today the four of us went to pick out a hanging basket to put at the cemetery for the summer.  The kids wanted their favorite colors, so we picked purple flowers with white centers.  Then we took it out to his grave site and sang happy birthday to our Matthew.  It was so nice.  A new tradition.  You will not be forgotten, Matthew.  You are part of this family forever and we love and miss you.  Happy birthday sweet baby.