Matthew James Athearn

So I'm not sure if I'm ready to write this all out or not but I am getting tired of seeing the post announcing our pregnancy every time I go to our blog.  At least this way something different will be at the top.  I will warn you that this will be an extremely long post with lots of details that many may find too graphic, etc.  But this is for me.  I need to write this all out.  I need to process my feelings this way.  So please don't feel that you have to read.

The last few days have been like a nightmare that I just want to wake up from but can't.  My parents came up for a visit Thursday night and I noticed that night that I was having some very mild cramping.  I chalked it up to Braxton Hicks, too much activity, stretching, something very minor.  The next morning, Jonathan headed to work and my dad headed out to paint.  Jonathan and I had just finalized the purchase of a duplex on Wednesday that we are fixing up and going to rent out.  That was the reason for my parents' visit--so my dad could help Jonathan with the painting, etc.  Mom and the kids and I were planning a day of shopping at the mall.  My cramps were still there but not any worse.  I was scheduled to see my doctor for my regular prenatal visit next Tuesday.  I decided to call the doctor's office anyway just to see what they thought.  The nurse I spoke to assured me it was probably nothing but wanted to get me in anyway just to be sure.  My doctor was out of the office so she scheduled me with another doctor for 1pm.

We headed to the mall for a short bit and grabbed a bite of lunch before going to the doctor's office.  My mom waited in the waiting room with the kids while I headed back.  The doctor asked me how long I had been cramping, checked me over quickly (lungs, heart, etc.) then headed out to get the dopplar to listen for the baby's heartbeat.  He took probably about five minutes searching for it and the longer he took, the more frantic I became.  I tried not to panic but told myself it was still okay.  He said it was unusual that he couldn't find the heartbeat with the dopplar but that the baby could just be in a position that his heartbeat was right under mine.  He sent me across the hall to get an ultrasound immediately.  Before I left he told me about how miscarriages are common, I shouldn't blame myself, blah blah blah.  I felt like he was already telling me my baby was gone!  I went across the hall and was quickly called back for an ultrasound.  The technician was so sweet and kind and she had me lie down while she took some measurements.  She didn't say anything for a very long time.  I tried to peek over at the screen to see if I could see the heartbeat flutter but couldn't see anything and just dreaded what was coming next.  Finally, she softly said to me, "I'm sorry Amanda" and the tears and sobbing began.  She asked if I was alone and I told her my mom was out in the waiting room but I didn't want the kids to see me like this.  I had tried to get ahold of Jonathan at work earlier but was unsuccessful.  She left the room and let me try to reach him again and I was finally able to.  I told him our baby was gone and I know he was just stunned.  He left immediately and promised to be there as soon as he could (about 45 minutes).  The technician came back in and just hugged me while I cried.  Then I had to go back across the hall to see the doctor again.  He finally came into the room to see me and very calmly told me he was sorry and that he would refer me to an OB/GYN downtown for a D&C on Monday.  He asked if I had any questions and when I didn't answer in the next 3 seconds, he sent me on my way.  I felt so shocked and alone and confused.  Why did this happen????  What did I do wrong??  Why did God make us wait nearly a year for this baby, only to take it away from us 16 weeks into the pregnancy??  Was I just supposed to go home and wait around for Monday like nothing had happened???  What was a D&C?  What if I didn't want that?  I felt like he didn't care and had other patients he needed to see and he just wanted to move on.

I tried to keep it together while I waited for Jonathan to arrive at the office.  My mom hugged me and tried to comfort me but I was pretty much in a state of complete shock and denial at that point.  Once Jonathan got there, I met him in the parking lot and we just clung to each other and cried.  My mom was able to take the kids to meet up with my dad and Jonathan and I came home together.  We did a lot of crying and questioning.  Never have I felt such gut-wrenching pain that literally made it hard to breathe.  I made the mistake of looking up things online just because I had so many questions.  I kind of knew what a d&c was but reading about it made me sick.  I knew that I absolutely did NOT want them to cut up and suck out my baby like he was just waste.  I read about moms who delivered their babies at home and had to put them in the freezer because they didn't know what else to do with the bodies.  I knew that I had a completely formed, if very small, baby inside me and I wanted that baby whole.

I didn't leave my room much at all the rest of Friday.  I was terrified of what was going to happen and just wanted to wake up.  I kept thinking that it must be a nightmare, that I was going to wake up any minute and everything would be fine and I would be pregnant again with a healthy, living baby.  We begged God to help us through this and to make it as easy as possible.  I kept telling Jonathan that I could not do this.  I physically and emotionally could not go through this.  But, of course, I would have no choice.  I was going through this and there was no changing that.  Up to this point, I was still just having very mild cramping and had just started to spot very lightly.  I knew, though, that I would not be able to just sit around and wait another 72 hours until I saw the OB/GYN.

Saturday morning Jonathan and my dad left to go work on the duplex.  Looking back I know now why we have this.  We were supposed to close on this thing months ago and just kept hitting one snag after another and couldn't understand why it was taking so long.  I know now that God knew Jonathan would need this.  Jonathan needed to be busy, to have something to do.  It has helped him grieve by going out and doing something with his hands.  Mom watched the kids all morning and I stayed in bed til about noon.  I was just praying that God would make this go as easy as possible.  I knew that I did not want a D&C but I also knew that I did not want to have this baby at my home.  I wanted to be in a hospital with people who would be compassionate and understanding about everything.  I wanted people who could help us deal with the physical and emotional pain of it.  My mom convinced me to take a shower and I asked Jonathan to come home to be with me.  While in the shower, I passed my first clot and from then on the bleeding really picked up.  I was panicking because I didn't know how long I would have and I didn't want to be in this house when this happened.  Jonathan got home and my cramps got considerably worse.  I asked Jonathan to call the after hours number to ask them what I was supposed to do since I knew that I would not make it until Monday without having this baby.  They told us that we needed to get to the ER.

We got to the ER sometime Saturday afternoon around 2:30 or so.  My pain was getting worse, probably about a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1-10.  They told me my body was having contractions and it knew that something was wrong and was getting ready to deliver the baby.  The on-call doctor started talking about a d&c and I told her that I absolutely did not want that.  She wasn't sure how to take that and said she would talk to the on-call OB-GYN, Dr. Mathis, and see what she said.  She came back a short while later and informed us that Dr. Mathis was willing to do whatever we wanted and that since I was 16 weeks along, delivering the baby was an option.  It was so refreshing to hear that a doctor was willing to work with us and do what WE wanted to do.  Dr. Mathis came in a while later and examined me and talked to us about what our options were.  She got me some morphine for the pain but that didn't even touch it.  She said she had some medication she could give me to start me dilating but normally she gave it to her patients and had them go home to sleep then come back the next day to deliver.  We needed to decide whether we wanted to stay in the hospital and wait it out or go home and wait.  Dr. Mathis couldn't guarantee how long it would take but she was concerned that with my pain being already at a 7 that I didn't have much further to go.  She left the room and let us talk and we just prayed for wisdom.  God gave us our answer because while we were waiting for her to come back my pain sky-rocketed to an 8-9.  I was having to breathe through my contractions and the morphine couldn't touch the pain.  That made our decision for us and Dr. Mathis called up to the labor and delivery floor to see if there was a bed available.  **Side note/rant--I think hospitals should have a separate area for moms who have to deliver in these types of situation.  The thought of going to the ninth floor and having to see pregnant moms walking around, hearing newborns cry, etc. made me sick to my stomach.  I just feel like this is something that should be considered because doing this sucks in and of itself without the added heartache of doing it on the same floor where others are celebrating the life of their child while you are mourning the death of yours.**  End rant.

The Lord was with us even then, though, and I did not hear or see any moms or babies the entire time I was in that hospital.  So we finally got upstairs into a room sometime in the evening around 7 I would guess (my sense of time was so off, but I know we were in the ER for quite some time).  They were able to hook me up and monitor my contractions and got me some pain medicine where I could press the button to deliver more if I needed it.  Even that stuff did not kick in for a long time.  I was in the worst pain of my life, physically and emotionally.  Dr. Mathis kept checking me and I had dilated a good centimeter or so since down in the ER.  I was losing a bit of blood and they were monitoring that but Dr. Mathis didn't think I would deliver for a bit.  She stepped away for a moment and my nurse, Sarah, was next to my side.  Another blessing from God, Sarah was the most caring and compassionate nurse I have ever met.  She and Dr. Mathis made everything about us--our comfort, our wants, our needs.  I knew God had answered my prayers for wonderful, loving people to surround us.

I felt a huge gush of liquid come out and when I told Sarah, she checked and quietly said to us, "You just delivered your baby."  Again the tears came for Jonathan and I uncontrollably.  Sarah gently and lovingly held our baby while she waited for Dr. Mathis to come back.  Dr. Mathis took our baby and swaddled him gently and began explaining to us what she saw.  I had my eyes closed and covered because I wasn't ready to look yet.  But I heard her telling us that it was most probably a boy, which did not surprise me in the least.  I had felt in my heart that this baby was a boy from the very beginning.  She pointed out his ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes to Jonathan.  She told us some things she saw that may be part of a chromosomal abnormality but for the most part, he was perfect and oh so tiny.  She told us that his eyes were closed and he passed without any pain.  It took about five minutes before I could bring myself to look.  I wasn't prepared for what I would see.  I felt so scared that I might be repulsed by him.  What if I didn't want to hold him because of how he looked?  But all that faded when I finally opened my eyes.  All I saw was my child.  He was beautiful.  He was tiny.  He was perfect.  He was mine.

I still wasn't ready to hold him yet because he was so incredibly fragile.  Jonathan wasn't ready either so they simply wrapped him and placed him on the table next to us so we could look at him.  They gave us time to ourselves to talk to him, pray over him, and mourn for him.  Jonathan took it really hard--I know he wanted another son so much.  Over the next couple hours, we spent time with our son and Dr. Mathis and Sarah kept an eye on me and tried to get the placenta delivered.  I think once my body delivered Matthew, it was physically and emotionally so spent, it just quit.  Dr. Mathis gave me quite a few doses of a medication to make my body "wake up" and deliver the placenta but it wasn't working much.  Around 10:30 or so, I still hadn't delivered the placenta but Jonathan was ready to go home, see his kids, and sleep in his own bed.  I completely understood that and I knew he needed time to himself to grieve and just wanted out of that hospital.  My parents waited until Jonathan got home, then dad brought my mom up to the hospital to spend the night with me.  My parents were able to see the baby, which was nice.  Shortly after we delivered Matthew, Sarah and Dr. Mathis asked us if we wanted to see the hospital chaplain or if we had our own pastor we wanted notified.  We said we wanted our own and when we tried to find out the number ourselves, they said not to worry about it, that all we had to do was give them the name of our church and they would contact our pastor and let him know what was going on.  Wow.  I just was amazed at how much they cared and went way above and beyond what any other hospital has ever done.

My mom was with me and around 11:30 or so, Dr. Mathis was getting to the point that she was going to have to do a d&c to get the placenta out.  I did not want to be put under and have surgery but at this point I knew it may not be an option.  She notified the surgeon that we may be needing to have this done.  Right before taking me to surgery, she said she would check one more time.  By this time, she had had me pushing some to see if I could deliver it.  She had me push one more time, and we were finally successful.  What a relief that I didn't have to go to surgery or be under any more drugs.  During the time I was delivering the placenta, my pastor called to talk to me.  They put him on hold and when everything was over (about 20 minutes later) I asked if he was still on hold.  They told me he was actually on his way to the hospital to see me.  So I was able to talk and cry and pray with my pastor until around 1am.  I was blown away that someone who had to be at church the next morning early would take the time to come down that late at night and just be there.

The next morning Jonathan came back and we began discussing a name for our son.  I wanted something meaningful and a name that would constantly bring me back to my faith.  After a little research, we discovered that Matthew means "gift of God".  From the beginning of this pregnancy I have said that this child is a gift from God, so to find a name with that meaning was indescribable.  For the middle name Jonathan suggested James, which meant a lot to me.  James is the name of my grandfather who passed away, along with my grandmother, when I was in high school.  I love and miss my grandparents very much and to have our son share a name with my grandpa is an honor.  Once we chose the name, the nurse brought Matthew back into the room and we were able to spend some more time with him.  For the first time we were able to hold our son.  We told him his name, prayed over him, thanked God for his life, and told Matthew how very much we love him.  We told him about his older brother and sister and how much they loved him and wanted him.

I was able to go home Sunday early afternoon.  My body physically is recovering quite well.  Emotionally, well, that is another story.  The way that St. Mary's hospital handled everything was amazing.  Everything was about us and our son.  We chose to make arrangements on our own with a local funeral home.  Sunday afternoon we met with them and picked out his casket.  There wasn't much choice since the smallest one they make is 15 inches, which will still be way too big for him.  Matthew was 5 1/4 inches long and only 43 grams (about 1.5 ounces).  We will be having a private service at the cemetery with just Jonathan, myself, and our pastor.  The hospital sent us home with a scrapbook and a box full of things.  They took his footprints on so many different things, had two small knitted blankets, and took pictures of our son for us.  Not having to worry about all of those things was such a burden lifted from my shoulders.  I took one of the blankets to the funeral home to have put in the casket with Matthew.  The other one I am keeping for myself.  Both blankets touched him and it is so nice to have something that touched him.  The blanket I took to the funeral home has my tears on it, so it is nice to know Matthew will have some part of me with him, too.

We told our kids Monday evening and they were devastated and confused.  Luke just began sobbing and Addison kept saying, "I want the baby to be back in your tummy!"  The hardest part was seeing them so hurt and not being able to answer their questions of why this happened.  We don't know why this happened.  I don't know why God took our son from us so soon.  But I do know that He is sovereign.  And I do know that He is all-knowing.  And I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my son is with Him now and he is whole and complete and healthy.

I am slowly recovering and dealing with my grief.  There are times when I think I will be okay.  And then there are times when I don't think I can draw my next breath.  My arms ache.  My body aches.  I long for him to be inside my womb again.  I long to hold him in my arms just one more time.  This is forever a part of us now.  It is written in our life story.  Matthew James is and always will be our son.  We have three children, not two.  Luke and Addie will always have a younger brother named Matthew.  Looking back, I can see now how God was at work.  So many ways that He answered our prayers.  I honestly did not think I could go through delivering our son.  But God was with us every step of the way.  I knew I did not want a d&c and I knew that I could not do this alone at home.  I wanted to be surrounded by caring individuals in a hospital where we could get the best care.  And God answered that prayer to a tee.  I am amazed at how many women have told me that they, too, have lost children due to miscarriage.  It's almost like this silent death that nobody talks about.  People tend to think that miscarriage is no big deal, that it's not like it's a real baby.  Well I can tell you that it is real.  And that it is a real baby.  A real person.  A real life.  I saw my child.  He was not a blob of tissue.  He was a human being created in the image of God.  And he was beautiful.  I want my story out here so other mothers can read it and know they are not alone.  So if you have experienced a loss like this, please feel free to share your story.  I will listen.  I will cry with you.  I will mourn with you and acknowledge that you have lost a child.  A loss is a loss, whether it was at week 1 or week 40.

Matthew, I love you.  I miss you already.  I do not understand why God took you from us so soon but I know that His plan is perfect.  He must have really needed you up there.  You are so very special to us and you will always be part of this family.  You would have fit right in, let me tell you.  I wish I could hold you one more time.  I wish I could see your perfect face, your tiny hands, your sweet nose, one more time.  I wish I could rock you and sing to you.  But what a comfort to know that the God of the universe, the God who created all things, is the one who gets to do all those things now.  I love you my son.