One Year

One year.  How has it been one year already?  One year since we held him in our arms.  One year since we saw his precious face.  One year since we laid eyes on our beautiful son.  One year.  And oh what a year it's been.  So full of heartache and disappointment.  But so full of learning and healing as well.  Realizing the love of people.  Learning what it means to have compassion.  Understanding the true meaning of grief and sorrow.  Growing and being stretched in my walk with God in ways I never thought possible.  Ways that, had you asked me before this all happened, I would have said I did not want to experience.  But I did experience them and I have come out, I hope, a better and stronger person.

I have to say this past week or so leading up to today has been the worst part.  The dreaded anticipation of "the day" was much harder than "the day" itself.  Remembering all the events that led up to Matthew's birth has been hard.  My mind tried to block it out and not dwell on those things but I found my body still recognizing it anyway.  I found myself wondering why I was so short with my family, why I was experiencing these feelings of sadness and hopelessness.  And realizing that even though my brain had blocked out what was approaching, my heart still remembered and was dealing with the grief.

Having a new baby on the way, I'll admit, has made this milestone easier to bear.  I can't imagine the emptiness I would be feeling without the promise of new life we have right now.  Not that this child will ever take Matthew's place--no one can ever do that.  But this baby helps ease the pain and heartache.  It helps fill my longing, empty arms.

It's hard mourning a loss on a day that's also a celebration.  A celebration of fathers.  I'm so thankful for my dad and for Jonathan's dad.  And oh how thankful I am for my kids' daddy.  He is so amazing and he loves his kids unconditionally.  Matthew, you are so blessed to have him for your daddy.  He wanted you so much.  I know he would have taught you so many things, just like he has with your big brother and sister.  What a reassurance to know that this is not the end, though.  As the Scripture says, we do not mourn like those who have no hope.  We rejoice and celebrate because we will see you again.  We will get to hear you laugh and see your smile and get to know the beautiful person God created you to be.  And we cannot wait.

After church today the four of us went to pick out a hanging basket to put at the cemetery for the summer.  The kids wanted their favorite colors, so we picked purple flowers with white centers.  Then we took it out to his grave site and sang happy birthday to our Matthew.  It was so nice.  A new tradition.  You will not be forgotten, Matthew.  You are part of this family forever and we love and miss you.  Happy birthday sweet baby.

Update on Baby A

Just a quick update to give.  I've been seeing the MFM specialist once a month and last week when I went everything still looked great.  Baby was 2lbs. 4 oz., which is just slightly bigger than the average baby is at this point.  He/she is growing right on track and the doc was very pleased with everything.  So was this momma!!  I see my regular OB next week and then after that I am pretty sure I will be seeing them every two weeks.  I had my glucose screening test and I assume everything was normal with that, as they didn't contact me otherwise.  They did, however, tell me that I am anemic so it's back on the iron pills.  (I was on them during my pregnancy with Addison and also after delivering Matthew.)

Once I am 32 weeks (right around my birthday) I begin going to the MFM specialist every week for ultrasounds to make sure baby is growing well and my fluid levels are on track.  I will also at that time begin nonstress tests at the hospital once or twice a week.  So, yeah, the last four weeks of this pregnancy are going to be crazy busy!  But Jonathan and I just keep saying, whatever it takes, we will do it.  If I am driving to three doctor's appointments a week, I will do so gladly.  We just want this baby born alive and healthy.  At 36 weeks (August 8) they will do the amniocentesis and when they get those results back (which takes 24 hours), assuming it shows the lungs are developed enough, they will send me in to be induced that day or the next.  So we are about two months away from meeting this baby and we cannot wait!!!

I have been learning a lot about trusting and not letting fear overtake me.  It is so easy for my emotions to take over and to start panicking and wondering if we will make it.  But then I just have to remind myself that God is in control.  As much as we love this child, He loves him or her infinitely more.  He will take care of this baby and of us.  In this week leading up to the one year anniversary since we lost Matthew, I find myself reflecting a lot and being so amazed at where I am now.  Having the promise of new life is definitely making this difficult milestone much easier to bear.  We appreciate everyone who has been praying for us throughout this past year and for our little rainbow baby.  I am definitely getting antsy to put this stressful pregnancy behind me and just hold our new baby!! :)